A hunting we will go

"Braveheart, I just saw on the news where there is a missing hunter in these here parts of Huckleberry Land and it just happens to be Thephoneman! They have been searching for THREE days and still cannot find him. Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo has headed up the search party to find him, along with his wife, Ilovemydoggies. She has a pack of trained search dogs! However, there might be a problem. Evidently, Thegoodneigbors are taking Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo to court over the educational wiretapping and the alledged murder plot of Ilovemydoggies, his beloved wife. Thephoneman just happens to be a witness!"

"Well Crystal - we need to put our faith in the authorities. I am sure Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo and Ilovemydoggies would want to find Thephoneman. It is not their job to cover up evidence, that is obstruction of justice. After all, what could Thephoneman know that might be damaging evidence in this court case that Thegoodneighbors are initiating?"

"Well, I think it stinks Braveheart. You and I both know that Neanderthalman also knew about the death plot of Ilovemydoggiestoo. Why would he have knowledge of these private educational phone conversations that Deputy Iputmywifeaway was collecting?"

"I know Crystal, it is like a story out of CSI. I think we need to go to the clerk of Huckleberry Land. Her name is Fishandgamediva, maybe she can help us."

NEXT: Thephoneman never testifies and Fishandgamediva threatens Braveheart and Crystal with the SWAT team.

Wiretapping Class 126

"Braveheart, look just what came over our fax! It is the educational wiretapping instructions. It says right here not to,"intrude improperly into the private lives of the citizens that we are here to protect" on page 2. That is what Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo is learning. Sheriff Iliketobeatemtoo has told Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo that it is not department policy to monitor private telephone conversations. So I guess I have nothing to worry about. You do know that the Deputy and Neanderthalman are like brothers!"

"Crystal, we must still be cautious. I noticed Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo and his patrol car parked outside our house yesterday. He wasn't trying to catch speeders."

"My god, you need to read this. The deputy was making tape recordings and one was about a murder plot and they put it on the radio! The deputy's wife, Ilovemydoggies recorded someone who wants to "blow her away." Neanderthalman knew that and told me. He wanted me to spread the word! That is how Thegoodneighbors found out 'they' were listening to them. I asked them if they were going to "blow away" Ilovemydoggies! Call my head of hair lifeless, again!"

"They sure like to use that "blow away" term. Must be special code."

"Well, I am concerned. Why would anyone want to plot the death of Ilovemydoggies?"

Next: Testimony by Thephoneman

Crystal finds electronic devices in her hot tub

"My God, Braveheart, look what I found! It was scratching my behind when I was relaxing in our hot tub with my glass of cabernet! It looks like a rock but I am not sure. What is it?"

"Crystal, someone has bugged our hot tub. We need to destroy this camera that looks like a rock so they don't get anymore pictures of your butt."

"Well, I am wondering if it has anything to do with that educational wiretapping class that the Cave Monkey Clan is offering being taught by Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo? I hear Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo goes to clandestine local nazitupperware meetings hosted by Mr.Igottabuginyourphone. Those guys are native to this area and have perfected bugging the rear view mirrors of bicyclists! They are notorious! "

"Who knows Crystal, but one thing is for sure, I am going to get to the bottom of this. There is no need to take pictures of my wife's tush! That is not educational!"

Next: Crystal finds the educational transcripts to the wiretapping classes.

Braveheart - a Man Against the Kangaroos

Crystal runs, and she runs, and she runs. She is running for her life and then in her moment of fleet, she trips over her Nike shoe laces. She hits her head on the sidewalk and lands on her ass, on top of the most gorgeous piece of mankind that God could ever grant her.

"Oh my God! What are you doing on top of me? What happened? This is all a dream! I remember running from a field of kangaroos and then suddenly here I am with you and well frankly sir, I am confused. Did you use a condom?"

"Not to worry, Crystal, my lovely! I am Braveheart and I am here to kill the kangaroos! Those beastly shits have pissed me off! I will take you off into the sunset after I have done my duty on them and we will be forever happy. Oh yes, my dear -- I used the condom. But, after we are married, never will it be again! However, Judge Snow Queen needs to be more careful. "(SNICKER SNICKER -- and it is not a candy bar)

Next: Braveheart and Crystal are married and become undercover hot tub agents.

Ten Thousand Ivory Bones Buys the Case!

Judge Snow Queen retires to her chambers while she meets with Mr. Iamcorrupt. Mr. Iamcorrupt opens up his satchel and displays ten thousand ivory bones.

"These could be yours, Judge Snow Queen. Of course this is all off the record and consider this a gift. There is no paper trail to these ivory bones so there would be no possibility of anyone accusing you of accepting these for any favors, so to speak."

Mr. Iamcorrupt winks, then winks again.

"Are you sure, Mr. Iamcorrupt? If that is the case I can afford to make an erroneous decision and there will be no proof that I lack judgement! Okay, but of course this meeting never happened. Leave the bones here, so I can chew on them."

Judge Snow Queen calls the court to order.

"I hereby commit Crystal to the Cukoos Nest in Forest Grove because I have conferred with Dr. Quackgrass unbeknowest to her, and he says she is not capable of growing hair and will never be able to grow hair. Her prognosis is not fit for Neanderthalman, who has many ivory bones and who desires the cook at the Coffee Cave. Neanderthalman says he will sue Dr. Quackgrass for improper conduct since Crystal has gone to him many times and never grows hair. He can prove that Dr. Quackgrass is having an affair with Crystal and he is tired of paying for it! Also, while we are at it, I grant Neanderthalman a divorce unless Crystal can provide adequate testimony that she can grow hair! And, even if she does we all know that I have the ivory bones so in that case, Neanderthalman, you get everything! Crystal will have a roof over her head at Forest Grove and the taxpayers can pay for it!

Judge Snow Queen shrieks, "The bones are mine!"

Crystal turns white then runs out of the courtroom.

Next: Crystal barrels into Braveheart