The Letter

Dear Department of Smelly Cases:

We do not know what to do. We have done it all and still we cannot get due process! It is very frustrating because we believe in America and we know that not all judges are bought with ivory bones. But what should we do? Please advise us because we know that you would not want an illegal moose on your wall and this educational wiretapping has crossed the line! Please write back to us quickly! Do we qualify for a witness protection program somewhere in Iceland? The kangaroos have gotton out of hand and we fear for our life. Maybe Australia?

Thank-you.

Braveheart and Crystal

Next: The reply

Fishandgamediva saves the moose

"Fishandgamediva, we would like to see case number 12blost. We believe it will help us in our search to prove that the missing hunter was not trampled by an Alaskan Bull Moose. After all, this is Huckleberry Land and it is a rare sighting to see these creatures, let alone have them attack and eat hunters!"

"Crystal and Braveheart, I cannot honor your request. That case is sealed and it is not in the public's best interest to find out that the judge protected an illegal moose without a license. After all it is highly sensitive and we would not want to implicate that the local officials are helping to protect this animal. After all it is a special moose and it would be unfortunate if it were taken off the wall. If you do not cease and disist, I will call the SWAT team. After all, I am Fishandgamediva! Go now."

"Braveheart, this is just awful. I am shocked that a respectable member of Huckleberry Land would not want to help us quell our suspicians by cooperating."

"Crystal, - we are screwed. Let's go get a mooseburger."

Next: Crystal and Braveheart decide to write a letter to the Department of Smelly Cases.

A hunting we will go

"Braveheart, I just saw on the news where there is a missing hunter in these here parts of Huckleberry Land and it just happens to be Thephoneman! They have been searching for THREE days and still cannot find him. Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo has headed up the search party to find him, along with his wife, Ilovemydoggies. She has a pack of trained search dogs! However, there might be a problem. Evidently, Thegoodneigbors are taking Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo to court over the educational wiretapping and the alledged murder plot of Ilovemydoggies, his beloved wife. Thephoneman just happens to be a witness!"

"Well Crystal - we need to put our faith in the authorities. I am sure Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo and Ilovemydoggies would want to find Thephoneman. It is not their job to cover up evidence, that is obstruction of justice. After all, what could Thephoneman know that might be damaging evidence in this court case that Thegoodneighbors are initiating?"

"Well, I think it stinks Braveheart. You and I both know that Neanderthalman also knew about the death plot of Ilovemydoggiestoo. Why would he have knowledge of these private educational phone conversations that Deputy Iputmywifeaway was collecting?"

"I know Crystal, it is like a story out of CSI. I think we need to go to the clerk of Huckleberry Land. Her name is Fishandgamediva, maybe she can help us."

NEXT: Thephoneman never testifies and Fishandgamediva threatens Braveheart and Crystal with the SWAT team.

Wiretapping Class 126

"Braveheart, look just what came over our fax! It is the educational wiretapping instructions. It says right here not to,"intrude improperly into the private lives of the citizens that we are here to protect" on page 2. That is what Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo is learning. Sheriff Iliketobeatemtoo has told Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo that it is not department policy to monitor private telephone conversations. So I guess I have nothing to worry about. You do know that the Deputy and Neanderthalman are like brothers!"

"Crystal, we must still be cautious. I noticed Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo and his patrol car parked outside our house yesterday. He wasn't trying to catch speeders."

"My god, you need to read this. The deputy was making tape recordings and one was about a murder plot and they put it on the radio! The deputy's wife, Ilovemydoggies recorded someone who wants to "blow her away." Neanderthalman knew that and told me. He wanted me to spread the word! That is how Thegoodneighbors found out 'they' were listening to them. I asked them if they were going to "blow away" Ilovemydoggies! Call my head of hair lifeless, again!"

"They sure like to use that "blow away" term. Must be special code."

"Well, I am concerned. Why would anyone want to plot the death of Ilovemydoggies?"

Next: Testimony by Thephoneman

Crystal finds electronic devices in her hot tub

"My God, Braveheart, look what I found! It was scratching my behind when I was relaxing in our hot tub with my glass of cabernet! It looks like a rock but I am not sure. What is it?"

"Crystal, someone has bugged our hot tub. We need to destroy this camera that looks like a rock so they don't get anymore pictures of your butt."

"Well, I am wondering if it has anything to do with that educational wiretapping class that the Cave Monkey Clan is offering being taught by Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo? I hear Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo goes to clandestine local nazitupperware meetings hosted by Mr.Igottabuginyourphone. Those guys are native to this area and have perfected bugging the rear view mirrors of bicyclists! They are notorious! "

"Who knows Crystal, but one thing is for sure, I am going to get to the bottom of this. There is no need to take pictures of my wife's tush! That is not educational!"

Next: Crystal finds the educational transcripts to the wiretapping classes.