Dear Crystal and Braveheart,Right now we do not accept cases that originate in Huckleberry Land due to the lack of money provided to us by the Hounds of Huckleberry (that is really an excuse, but we just don't like to do business there and we fear for our lives.) We feel for your unfortunate circumstances and would like to refer you to the Huckleberry Volunteers Corruption Squad. We will throw several names in a hat and draw one out and send you this contact for future reference. Be prepared to pay $35.00 for the initial half hour interview. There is also St. Huckleberries. They will listen to your mess for free, but unless you can prove you are pretty much homeless, forget it. But, don't rule that out, consider becoming homeless. Lastly, we have the Court Corruption Advocate Program. This is sponsored by the Supreme Huckleberry Poo Bas. However, they really cannot do much, so don't expect much. They just basically fill up space.
You might volunteer as a guinea pig for a plastic surgeon intern. You might also consider writing Oprah -- everyone writes Oprah or move to the middle of Nebraska. Nobody will find you there. Folks do not even know there is a middle to Nebraska.
You might also consider representing yourself in the corrupt area of Huckleberry Land. The Huckleberry Land Council distributes free pamphlets on how to get your ass kicked in court by yourself! However, don't piss the judge off, because we hear they are into handcuffs. Look on the positive side, if you are thrown into jail, you will get a corrupt public defender to represent you! Other than that, you are pretty much SOL and in order to attain justice you will need 10,000 ivory bones and like sums for future vindication.
Good luck in your quest for justice; we hope you find some.
Sincerely,
The Department of Smelly Cases
Next: Crystal complains to the Supreme Huckleberry Poo Bas
