Dr. Quackgrass gives Crystal sugar pills

"Dr. Quackgrass, I am so delighted to meet you! The Police Gang Unit referred me to you and I am so optomistic that you will be able to help me. I have tried everyone, even Father Farfromnothing. He just tells me to grow some hair."

"Crystal be quiet and let's begin. What is your problem?"

"Neanderthalman always belittles me and humiliates me because I have bad hair days. He says it is my fault that my hair is lifeless, thin, and stringy. He says it has no body and is not holding up to a good drag! He also threatens me with the Tree Gang Mafia! He says if I don't grow hair he will send me to the Cukoo's Nest in Forest Grove like they did my mother."

"Crystal, that is a very serious problem. Bad hair runs in families and is a very serious disorder. I have the pills for you that will help you grow hair. I will consult with Neanderthalman since he is paying for my services and I will draft a family profile in order to establish bad hair links for future reference."

"Doctor Quackgrass that sounds good. But what if bad hair does not run in my family and what if the sugar pills don't work? That does not make any sense because my mother had beautiful hair! But, I will do anything because Neanderthalman will leave me if I don't grow stronger hair! He will find someone else to live in our lean-to of willow branches!"

"I know you are desparate, Crystal. Just take the pills and make another appointment for next month. Do you have insurance? If not, you need Neanderthalman to send me a check for my services. See you in a month, Crystal. Now go grow some hair."

Next: Dr.Quackgrass and Neanderthalman catch 9 holes of golf at the Cave Man Monkey Resort.

Crystal gets Neanderthalman his keg of beer

"Oh God, I have to go back to Neanderthalman. That is what the Police Gang Unit says I must do. So be it!"

Crystal goes back to the lean-to that Neanderthalman constructed from willow branches.

"Neanderthalman, I reported you to the Police Gang Unit! Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo and Sheriff Iliketobeat'emtoo says I need to go see Dr. Quackgrass so I can grow hair for you! They will only help me if I become bald."

"Yes, Crystal that is what you must do. But first you need to get that keg of beer and bring it to me now! Don't make me drag you over there to do it! You have terrible hair! Woman, Ugh. Ugh, Woman."

Next: Crystal meets Dr. Quackgrass

Crystal goes to the Police Gang Unit

"God, I have had enough of this crap from Neanderthalman! I do the best I can to grow long hair and he continues to belittle, mock, and humiliate me because the hair that I have now, won't stand up to his demands of me! I think I drag just fine. I will show him, I will get a wig! But first, I am going to the Police Gang Unit, and I am going to report him! I don't care if his brother is part of the Police Gang Unit and most likely affiliated with the Tree Gang Mafia and the Cave Monkey Clan. I am doing it anyway!"

Crystal makes the phone call to the hair crisis unit!

" Mr. Sheriff Iliketobeat'emtoo, I need to report Neanderthalman! He is making my life miserable! He says I am not worthy of him because my hair is not made of the locks of Samson and he continues to threaten me with the loss of my hairdresser! I want you to do something about this now!"

"Crystal, you have to be joking. Neanderthalman is related to Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo! It is impossible for us to help you. You need to go back to Neanderthalman until you are bald, then we may be able to do something. You might consider going to a doctor who might be able to help you with your problem. I would refer you to Doctor Quackgrass. In the meantime, grow some hair!"

Next: Crystal goes back to Neanderthalman.

Huckleberry Land

Crystal Clear grew up in a patch of wild huckleberries. She was a huckleberry patch kid for sure! Crystal was home to north Huckleberry Land where most of the forbidden fruit grows. Huckleberry Land is not only famous for their forbidden fruit, but they are famous for their political offspring who dabble in backwoods shady deals! Huckleberry Land is a hoax. People think it is real, but it is not. Some folks confuse it with the Twilight Zone which is real. Besides consuming too much of the forbidden fruit, things really got messed up for Crystal Clear when her own mother was impregnated by the Congressman! That is when the folks from Huckleberry Land all got together and said, "Boy, is that broad out of her mind! We need to put her away!" Crystal's mother had to go to the Cukoo's Nest for a very long time! Crystal's half-brother, Iknowtoomuch, now receives an art subsidy check every month from the government so he will keep his mouth shut!

"Jesus Mom! Why did you have to go screw around with the Congressman?"

"I had no choice, honey! The Republicans made me do it!"

Next: Crystal reports to the Police Gang Unit about Neanderthalman!

Flight from Neanderthalman

Crystal ran like the wind. She ran to Father Farfromnothing.

"Oh, Fathefarfromnothing, Neanderthalman is after me! He thinks he loves me, but I cannot take it anymore! He says my hair isn't long enough and it is my fault. I need your help Father! You need to hide me. He is part of the Tree Mafia Gang and they are after me!"

"Crystal Clear, I cannot offer you sanctuary. The Tree Mafia Gang make up at least the first five pews in my church. You know what that means, don't you? It means if I protect you, they will not fill my briefcase with important papers anymore. Just grow some hair!"

Father Farfromnothing left Crystal weeping in the church alone. She knew if she did not grow hair, Neanderthalman would cast her into the sacrificial pit of the Tree Gang Mafia. The sun radiated through the blood stained glass windows of the church.

Next: Crystal Clear's humble beginnings and the forbidden fruit.