Braveheart - a Man Against the Kangaroos

Crystal runs, and she runs, and she runs. She is running for her life and then in her moment of fleet, she trips over her Nike shoe laces. She hits her head on the sidewalk and lands on her ass, on top of the most gorgeous piece of mankind that God could ever grant her.

"Oh my God! What are you doing on top of me? What happened? This is all a dream! I remember running from a field of kangaroos and then suddenly here I am with you and well frankly sir, I am confused. Did you use a condom?"

"Not to worry, Crystal, my lovely! I am Braveheart and I am here to kill the kangaroos! Those beastly shits have pissed me off! I will take you off into the sunset after I have done my duty on them and we will be forever happy. Oh yes, my dear -- I used the condom. But, after we are married, never will it be again! However, Judge Snow Queen needs to be more careful. "(SNICKER SNICKER -- and it is not a candy bar)

Next: Braveheart and Crystal are married and become undercover hot tub agents.

Ten Thousand Ivory Bones Buys the Case!

Judge Snow Queen retires to her chambers while she meets with Mr. Iamcorrupt. Mr. Iamcorrupt opens up his satchel and displays ten thousand ivory bones.

"These could be yours, Judge Snow Queen. Of course this is all off the record and consider this a gift. There is no paper trail to these ivory bones so there would be no possibility of anyone accusing you of accepting these for any favors, so to speak."

Mr. Iamcorrupt winks, then winks again.

"Are you sure, Mr. Iamcorrupt? If that is the case I can afford to make an erroneous decision and there will be no proof that I lack judgement! Okay, but of course this meeting never happened. Leave the bones here, so I can chew on them."

Judge Snow Queen calls the court to order.

"I hereby commit Crystal to the Cukoos Nest in Forest Grove because I have conferred with Dr. Quackgrass unbeknowest to her, and he says she is not capable of growing hair and will never be able to grow hair. Her prognosis is not fit for Neanderthalman, who has many ivory bones and who desires the cook at the Coffee Cave. Neanderthalman says he will sue Dr. Quackgrass for improper conduct since Crystal has gone to him many times and never grows hair. He can prove that Dr. Quackgrass is having an affair with Crystal and he is tired of paying for it! Also, while we are at it, I grant Neanderthalman a divorce unless Crystal can provide adequate testimony that she can grow hair! And, even if she does we all know that I have the ivory bones so in that case, Neanderthalman, you get everything! Crystal will have a roof over her head at Forest Grove and the taxpayers can pay for it!

Judge Snow Queen shrieks, "The bones are mine!"

Crystal turns white then runs out of the courtroom.

Next: Crystal barrels into Braveheart

Judge Snow Queen has a restless habit

Crystal was shaking in her hand-crafted leather moccasins. She knew she had to face the music today at the hearing. Mr. Iamcorrupt was going to establish cause to put her away. Crystal was also beside herself because she could not figure out why Neanderthalman was so mad at her. She had talked with Dr. Quackgrass about this problem, but his only solution was to up the dosage on her sugar pills because her hair was not responding well. She confided in Betty and while Betty was a comfortable resource she also advised Crystal to keep her appointments with Dr. Quackgrass and to take her sugar pills. Crystal had very few hairs left on her head.

Neanderthalman just got worse ever since she had listened to the Police Gang Unit and went to Dr. Quackgrass. He continued to call her names and drag her across the floor then humiliate her because her hair fell out.

"I have had enough Crystal, your hair is still lifeless and dull, I can't put anymore money into you. I am going to Mr. Iamcorrupt and I am going to have to put you away. You are not taking your sugar pills, obviously or your hair would stand up to my drags. You are history Crystal. It is time for you to take a nice long vacation. If your hair grows while you are there, we will talk about getting back together again."

Crystal scared out of mind, fled to find herself a lawyer who would help. She had heard about the Cukoos Nest where they fry your brain with hotsticks to make hair grow. But there were no lawyers for Crystal. Since Neanderthalman was part of the Tree Mafia Gang and the Monkey Cave Clan, she was fodder for the hunt and she felt hunted.

"Crystal. Are you taking your sugar pills?"

"Oh, yes Mr. Iamcorrupt, everyday religiously."

"Then why is your hair dull and lifeless?"

"I don't know, probably because bad hair does not run in my family and the pills are not working?"

"You are hostile, Crystal. You are not cooperating. You are lying and we need to put you away to monitor your medication and your pills. Judge Snow Queen, I recommend that you order Crystal to the Cukoos Nest in Forest Grove for an undetermined time until we can establish her hair growth."

Judge Snow Queen draped in her bull-hide robe fidgets restlessly at the bench sniffing her fingers and states, "I need the testimony of Dr. Quackgrass before I make my decision -- but let's take a break now."

Next: Judge Snow Queen and Mr.Iamcorrupt go behind closed doors to make the deal.

Neanderthalman hooks up with Mr. Iamcorrupt

It was a chilly morning and the frost painted the air as Neanderthalman hopped on his fat 'ole steed and rode into town for his morning coffee with Betty.

"Gad, Betty! I hate to do this but I see no other way around it! Ever since you told me about Crystal's affair with Dr. Quackgrass, I had to call my good friend from the Tree Mafia Gang and get a lawyer so I can put her away. I have enlisted the services of Mr. Iamcorrupt. I can only assume that her bad hair condition is the reason for her behavior. But, that doesn't mean I have to put up with it! After all, I am paying Dr. Quackgrass for his services! It is his job to fix her!"

"Neanderthalman, I know you are crushed! But, after it is all over we, I mean you, will be better off for it and Crystal will get the help she needs in Forest Grove. While she is there at the Cukoo's Nest you will be able to secure your empire so she does not run off with Dr. Quackgrass and take everything from you!"

"I know it is all a pity. I am sure Dr. Quackgrass will cooperate. After all he has breached the patient/professional relationship and he will help me put her away, now. He is in serious trouble!"

"Exactly, Neanderthalman!" Betty's eyes twinkle in delight dreaming of her brand new lean-to made out of oak!

Next: Crystal fights the battle against Mr. Iamcorrupt.

Betty shops on Crystal's dime

"Crystal, I am so happy we could get together and go spend your husband's money, oops, I mean shop together today and get to know each other. Too bad about your frightful hair disorder. Do you want to shop for wigs?"

"Oh no. That's fine. I am taking my sugar pills and I suspect that my hair disorder will clear up soon. My hat works fine and besides, Frankncut, my hairdresser sold me a couple of tubes of shoe polish to cover up the bald spots."

"Neanderthalman had breakfast at the Coffee Cave the other day when I was cooking. He said that you needed to enjoy yourself and shop more. Shopping and spending money is good for you! It will take your mind off of that frightful hair disorder. You should buy this beautiful fur coat! After all, Neanderthalman is a successful man and he has built you a lean-to of willow branches! There are so many women with nice hair like myself, that would want your lean-to. You need to buy this coat so the clan members will look at the fur and not your hair!"

"That is a good idea, Betty! No need to draw attention to my hair condition. After all, Neanderthalman says it is my fault and I must remedy the situation. Next week I go back to Dr. Quackgrass so he can evaluate my hair progress."

"I am sure it will be much better, just as long as you keep using the shoe polish and take your sugar pills. You sleep in tomorrow Crystal, and grow some hair. I am cooking again at the Coffee Cave. I am so happy to be your friend!"

Crystal and Betty buy the coat and have lunch. Betty decides to cook Neanderthalman extra big ostrich eggs for his breakfast tomorrow and plans on letting him know that Crystal spends way too much money and is having an affair with Dr. Quackgrass!

Next: Neanderthalman is livid and seeks legal counsel to send Crystal to the Cukoo's Nest in Forest Grove.

Conspiracies always get bigger over coffee

Every morning the Cave Monkey Clan would meet at the Cave Hut. Neanderthalman was one of the regulars. He looked forward to his thick cup of caffiene! After all, he needed a 'perk me up' after his very kegful night! He also looked forward to Betty and her long wonderful hair who would serve Neanderthalman his coffee and cook his ostrich eggs! Betty had the hair he dreamed that Crystal would grow.

Betty also owned the Cave Hut where she served all of Neanderthalman's good buddies!

"Betty, I am afraid that Crystal had to go see Dr. Quackgrass over her frightful bad hair. Dr. Quackgrass has given her many prescriptions for this very serious disorder and she will have to go see him on a regular basis, so he can monitor her hair. I talked with Dr. Quackgrass over golf last week and he is very concerned."

"Oh, so am I, Neanderthalman! That is too bad about Crystal. I should go visit her. We could become friends and have scrapbook party luncheons! She is so lucky to have you, Neanderthalman! She has a lean-to made of willow branches!"

"That would be good if you became friends with Crystal. It is sad that her hair falls out, but that is not my fault. It is that terrible bad hair disorder. I hope it doesn't become so bad that I have to send her to the Cukoo's Nest in Forest Grove! I am afraid that her bad hair runs in the family and like her mother she will end up there!"

"Don't worry, Neanderthalman. I will become friends with Crystal so we can keep an eye on her and make sure she takes her sugar pills! I will go get your eggs, now." Betty whispers in Neanderthalman's ear as her long hair brushes against his face,"I am so glad you came in early so we could talk before the crowd gets here!"

The rest of the clan drag themselves into the Coffee Cave for the eye opener and of course a good look at Betty's hair. The early morning topic was the dinosaur hunt and the possibility that Neanderthalman might have to send Crystal to the Cukoo's Nest in Forest Grove.

Next: Betty and Crystal go shopping!

Frankncut catches the shorthairs

"Crystal, your hair has patchy bald spots! But don't worry, I will cut it anyway! After all, Neanderthalman is paying for it!"

"Oh, thank you Frankncut! I don't know what I would do if I could not get my hair done!"

"Well, I will fix you right up! We will just use a little of this shoe polish to cover up those spots! No problemo here for the Master Frankncut! So, are you taking your sugar pills? I heard at the local Coffee Cave this morning that Neanderthalman said you have a frightfull bad hair condition and Dr. Quackgrass is working with him to cover it up -- oops I mean fix it! So, make sure you take your medication, Crystal! Look in the mirror, see how that shoe polish works!"

"Oh, it does work! How much is it? I need three or four of those tubes!"

"I will throw one in for free, since you are such a good customer. One hundred and fifty bucks should do it for the cut and products! See you in a week or two, gotta keep those short hairs off!"


Next: The Coffee Cave

Cave Man Monkey Resort

Conspiracies always start at golf courses. Just a nod before the knee knocker signifies the colluding.

"Doctor Quackgrass, I am so glad that we are able to get together over this beautiful day of golf so we could discuss my wife's disorder of bad hair. It is a frightful condition I am afraid. Her hair does not hold up to a good drag, thus it falls out in my hands and ruins my day. I expect her to take care of it because we know that it is the woman's duty to satisfy Neanderthalmen and after all, I offer her a lean-to of willow branches. I am a Neaderthalman of many assets! I also belong to the very respected Tree Mafia Gang and I have a brother in the Police Gang Unit! I am also well connected with the Cave Monkey Clan. She may be like her mother, and if she does not grow hair, I fear she may end up at the Cukoo's Nest in Forest Grove. After all, it is not my fault her hair falls out."

"I understand Neanderthalman. I will document your concerns in her chart and we will make sure Crystal takes her sugar pills. I was also married to a woman with bad hair. I will work in your best interests, I mean your wife's best interests. Also, thanks for the use of your condo this weekend, I needed the break."

Dr. Quackgrass nods as he makes par on his knee knocker.

Next: Crystal makes an appointment with her hairdresser

Dr. Quackgrass gives Crystal sugar pills

"Dr. Quackgrass, I am so delighted to meet you! The Police Gang Unit referred me to you and I am so optomistic that you will be able to help me. I have tried everyone, even Father Farfromnothing. He just tells me to grow some hair."

"Crystal be quiet and let's begin. What is your problem?"

"Neanderthalman always belittles me and humiliates me because I have bad hair days. He says it is my fault that my hair is lifeless, thin, and stringy. He says it has no body and is not holding up to a good drag! He also threatens me with the Tree Gang Mafia! He says if I don't grow hair he will send me to the Cukoo's Nest in Forest Grove like they did my mother."

"Crystal, that is a very serious problem. Bad hair runs in families and is a very serious disorder. I have the pills for you that will help you grow hair. I will consult with Neanderthalman since he is paying for my services and I will draft a family profile in order to establish bad hair links for future reference."

"Doctor Quackgrass that sounds good. But what if bad hair does not run in my family and what if the sugar pills don't work? That does not make any sense because my mother had beautiful hair! But, I will do anything because Neanderthalman will leave me if I don't grow stronger hair! He will find someone else to live in our lean-to of willow branches!"

"I know you are desparate, Crystal. Just take the pills and make another appointment for next month. Do you have insurance? If not, you need Neanderthalman to send me a check for my services. See you in a month, Crystal. Now go grow some hair."

Next: Dr.Quackgrass and Neanderthalman catch 9 holes of golf at the Cave Man Monkey Resort.

Crystal gets Neanderthalman his keg of beer

"Oh God, I have to go back to Neanderthalman. That is what the Police Gang Unit says I must do. So be it!"

Crystal goes back to the lean-to that Neanderthalman constructed from willow branches.

"Neanderthalman, I reported you to the Police Gang Unit! Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo and Sheriff Iliketobeat'emtoo says I need to go see Dr. Quackgrass so I can grow hair for you! They will only help me if I become bald."

"Yes, Crystal that is what you must do. But first you need to get that keg of beer and bring it to me now! Don't make me drag you over there to do it! You have terrible hair! Woman, Ugh. Ugh, Woman."

Next: Crystal meets Dr. Quackgrass

Crystal goes to the Police Gang Unit

"God, I have had enough of this crap from Neanderthalman! I do the best I can to grow long hair and he continues to belittle, mock, and humiliate me because the hair that I have now, won't stand up to his demands of me! I think I drag just fine. I will show him, I will get a wig! But first, I am going to the Police Gang Unit, and I am going to report him! I don't care if his brother is part of the Police Gang Unit and most likely affiliated with the Tree Gang Mafia and the Cave Monkey Clan. I am doing it anyway!"

Crystal makes the phone call to the hair crisis unit!

" Mr. Sheriff Iliketobeat'emtoo, I need to report Neanderthalman! He is making my life miserable! He says I am not worthy of him because my hair is not made of the locks of Samson and he continues to threaten me with the loss of my hairdresser! I want you to do something about this now!"

"Crystal, you have to be joking. Neanderthalman is related to Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo! It is impossible for us to help you. You need to go back to Neanderthalman until you are bald, then we may be able to do something. You might consider going to a doctor who might be able to help you with your problem. I would refer you to Doctor Quackgrass. In the meantime, grow some hair!"

Next: Crystal goes back to Neanderthalman.

Huckleberry Land

Crystal Clear grew up in a patch of wild huckleberries. She was a huckleberry patch kid for sure! Crystal was home to north Huckleberry Land where most of the forbidden fruit grows. Huckleberry Land is not only famous for their forbidden fruit, but they are famous for their political offspring who dabble in backwoods shady deals! Huckleberry Land is a hoax. People think it is real, but it is not. Some folks confuse it with the Twilight Zone which is real. Besides consuming too much of the forbidden fruit, things really got messed up for Crystal Clear when her own mother was impregnated by the Congressman! That is when the folks from Huckleberry Land all got together and said, "Boy, is that broad out of her mind! We need to put her away!" Crystal's mother had to go to the Cukoo's Nest for a very long time! Crystal's half-brother, Iknowtoomuch, now receives an art subsidy check every month from the government so he will keep his mouth shut!

"Jesus Mom! Why did you have to go screw around with the Congressman?"

"I had no choice, honey! The Republicans made me do it!"

Next: Crystal reports to the Police Gang Unit about Neanderthalman!

Flight from Neanderthalman

Crystal ran like the wind. She ran to Father Farfromnothing.

"Oh, Fathefarfromnothing, Neanderthalman is after me! He thinks he loves me, but I cannot take it anymore! He says my hair isn't long enough and it is my fault. I need your help Father! You need to hide me. He is part of the Tree Mafia Gang and they are after me!"

"Crystal Clear, I cannot offer you sanctuary. The Tree Mafia Gang make up at least the first five pews in my church. You know what that means, don't you? It means if I protect you, they will not fill my briefcase with important papers anymore. Just grow some hair!"

Father Farfromnothing left Crystal weeping in the church alone. She knew if she did not grow hair, Neanderthalman would cast her into the sacrificial pit of the Tree Gang Mafia. The sun radiated through the blood stained glass windows of the church.

Next: Crystal Clear's humble beginnings and the forbidden fruit.