The Classified Gossip Prints the Story!

"Braveheart - you are not going to believe what is in the Classified Gossip this morning! It's the inside story about Thephoneman! Evidently, some reporter by the name of Rather Dandy has been sleuthing around and he says that the possibility of a conspiracy exists!"

Thephoneman Most Likely Murdered and Not Accidental.

News Story and Photo by: Rather Dandy

The unsolved alleged accidental dealth of Thephoneman is the current cold case by this writer. Gossip has filtered throughout the community that Thephoneman was really shot in the back. As an investigative reporter, I have decided to examine the reports. My findings are disturbing because so much is NOT there and the connections spell TREE GANG MAFIA! Here are my bulleted concerns. (Emphasis on the bullet.)

The Facts

• Sherriff Iliketobeat'em too was not available for comment. He has left the country. Last seen at the other end of Huckleberry Land all beat up.
• Thephoneman's mother never saw her son after his alleged accidental death.
• The coroner hastily cremated Thephoneman without permission before any exam was done to confirm exposure after he was finally found after days of searching by Deputy Iputmywifewaytoo. Rumors flourish that wild animals chewed him up. Other rumors flourish that Ilovemydoggies unleashed her own dogs on him.
• No bullet was found.
• The coroner and local funeral director is good buddies with Sherrif Iliketobeat'em too. Other gossip reigns that they are in cohoots smuggling drugs in the padding of his caskets!
• The records regarding the search and rescue of Thephoneman are gone. Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo was promoted AND escaped prosecution of illegal wiretapping because Thephoneman died before he could testify.
• Thephoneman spoke to Crystal and told her to be careful. Why? Neanderthalman told Crystal about the alleged plot to kill lluvmydoggies SO Neaderthalman was also involved in the wiretapping.

According to my Reporter's Investigative Conspiracy Handbook: A conspiracy is an agreement between two or more persons to commit a crime or accomplish a legal purpose through illegal action. So far the lack of evidence supports my findings - but I need more. That is why the reward.

NEXT: Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo who has been promoted to the Emergent Director of the Classified Gossip is given truth serum. (he wants the reward!)

The Plot Thickens and Crystal Gets a Clue

OH, MY GOD! I know what happened! Judge Snow Queen got caught! She was also wiretapped by Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo! He has the goods! She violated the Judicial Code of Conduct and now she is a slave at the bench. That is DISTORTION! Not a wonder Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo has been promoted to the Emergent Director of Classifed Gossip! He still has the evidence. If he goes down - everyone goes with him!

Well, I bet that Judge Snow Queen really let her hair down when she was voo doo dancing at the Kon Tiki and juicing it up. Those ivory bones must have got to her! I do know that Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo has special privileges with the judges and he calls them up in order to control their thought processess. He has been trained in special tactics and works with mind control experts. Now that he controls the Classified Gossip and it is his call to release the smut; he is now charged with the safety of the community and the burden is squarely on his shoulders. It is his job to protect the gossip now.

Too bad Thephoneman fell off the cliff. Do you think he was pushed? I can hardly wait untill I publish my book!

NEXT: The Classified Gossip gets the real story from an insider.

Dear Supreme Huckleberry Poo Bas

Recently Braveheart and myself happened to stumble onto some rather upsetting knowledge that Judge Snow Queen was dabbling in some underhanded and deceitful episodes with the Monkey Cave Clan, The Police Gang Unit, as well as the Tree Mafia Gang. This includes bribery, wiretapping, and coverups beyond anything Woolrich could ever deal with. It is a conspiracy beyond your wildest dreams and puts the CIA rumor associated with the World Trade Center to shame. We realize that your hands may be tied because you too might also be related to some of these folks; but we also know that your integrity and the honor of your job is first and you would not consider taking a pay off. The Supreme Huckleberry Poo Bas are our last resort and if you cannot be of any assistance, we will have to take matters into our own hands and this will not be pretty.

Please consider us seriously. In order to stop this insane behavior we must identify the insanity and that insanity rests with the decision making of Judge Snow Queen who is obviously off her rocker. It is time to tie her down and get her back on it! We may have to petition the people to put her away 'lest she will continue to shreek away at the bench and take more ivory bones in lieu of sanity. We also hear that she collects cows and says, "Moo" in her sleep. This is very bizarre and reflects on her tasteless choices which also includes removing a wall in her living room with a chain saw. We also understand that she has a bit part in the movie the Wolf People which is being filmed in North Huckleberry Land and we just don't understand what she has against wolves? However, it probably has something to do with her cow collection.

If you do not answer and continue to put me in your files and voicemail box, I will consider this your inability to remedy the situation and get Judge Snow Queen back on her rocker! Thusly, I will proceed with my plans of which I told you - will not be pretty! We have also come into possession of 'off her rocker records' that will confirm that Judge Snow Queen is severely into ivory bones accompanied by incessant gnawing. Gladys Kravits found those records in the neighbor's garbage and has distributed them all over the neighborhood so folks already know this as fact. We also believe they are authentic because Gladys Kravits knows everything and her word is well repected hearsay (gossip) among the community and is a main source of information for the Police Gang Unit along with the illegal wiretapping.

Committed in our quest for appropriate treatment concerning Off Their Rocker Cases. We are also conferring with OTRC for expert advice concerning this matter.

Crystal Clear and Braveheart

P.S. I have bolded very important names for emphasis in case you cannot see.

The Reply

Dear Crystal and Braveheart,

Right now we do not accept cases that originate in Huckleberry Land due to the lack of money provided to us by the Hounds of Huckleberry (that is really an excuse, but we just don't like to do business there and we fear for our lives.) We feel for your unfortunate circumstances and would like to refer you to the Huckleberry Volunteers Corruption Squad. We will throw several names in a hat and draw one out and send you this contact for future reference. Be prepared to pay $35.00 for the initial half hour interview. There is also St. Huckleberries. They will listen to your mess for free, but unless you can prove you are pretty much homeless, forget it. But, don't rule that out, consider becoming homeless. Lastly, we have the Court Corruption Advocate Program. This is sponsored by the Supreme Huckleberry Poo Bas. However, they really cannot do much, so don't expect much. They just basically fill up space.

You might volunteer as a guinea pig for a plastic surgeon intern. You might also consider writing Oprah -- everyone writes Oprah or move to the middle of Nebraska. Nobody will find you there. Folks do not even know there is a middle to Nebraska.

You might also consider representing yourself in the corrupt area of Huckleberry Land. The Huckleberry Land Council distributes free pamphlets on how to get your ass kicked in court by yourself! However, don't piss the judge off, because we hear they are into handcuffs. Look on the positive side, if you are thrown into jail, you will get a corrupt public defender to represent you! Other than that, you are pretty much SOL and in order to attain justice you will need 10,000 ivory bones and like sums for future vindication.

Good luck in your quest for justice; we hope you find some.

Sincerely,

The Department of Smelly Cases

Next: Crystal complains to the Supreme Huckleberry Poo Bas

The Letter

Dear Department of Smelly Cases:

We do not know what to do. We have done it all and still we cannot get due process! It is very frustrating because we believe in America and we know that not all judges are bought with ivory bones. But what should we do? Please advise us because we know that you would not want an illegal moose on your wall and this educational wiretapping has crossed the line! Please write back to us quickly! Do we qualify for a witness protection program somewhere in Iceland? The kangaroos have gotton out of hand and we fear for our life. Maybe Australia?

Thank-you.

Braveheart and Crystal

Next: The reply

Fishandgamediva saves the moose

"Fishandgamediva, we would like to see case number 12blost. We believe it will help us in our search to prove that the missing hunter was not trampled by an Alaskan Bull Moose. After all, this is Huckleberry Land and it is a rare sighting to see these creatures, let alone have them attack and eat hunters!"

"Crystal and Braveheart, I cannot honor your request. That case is sealed and it is not in the public's best interest to find out that the judge protected an illegal moose without a license. After all it is highly sensitive and we would not want to implicate that the local officials are helping to protect this animal. After all it is a special moose and it would be unfortunate if it were taken off the wall. If you do not cease and disist, I will call the SWAT team. After all, I am Fishandgamediva! Go now."

"Braveheart, this is just awful. I am shocked that a respectable member of Huckleberry Land would not want to help us quell our suspicians by cooperating."

"Crystal, - we are screwed. Let's go get a mooseburger."

Next: Crystal and Braveheart decide to write a letter to the Department of Smelly Cases.

A hunting we will go

"Braveheart, I just saw on the news where there is a missing hunter in these here parts of Huckleberry Land and it just happens to be Thephoneman! They have been searching for THREE days and still cannot find him. Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo has headed up the search party to find him, along with his wife, Ilovemydoggies. She has a pack of trained search dogs! However, there might be a problem. Evidently, Thegoodneigbors are taking Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo to court over the educational wiretapping and the alledged murder plot of Ilovemydoggies, his beloved wife. Thephoneman just happens to be a witness!"

"Well Crystal - we need to put our faith in the authorities. I am sure Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo and Ilovemydoggies would want to find Thephoneman. It is not their job to cover up evidence, that is obstruction of justice. After all, what could Thephoneman know that might be damaging evidence in this court case that Thegoodneighbors are initiating?"

"Well, I think it stinks Braveheart. You and I both know that Neanderthalman also knew about the death plot of Ilovemydoggiestoo. Why would he have knowledge of these private educational phone conversations that Deputy Iputmywifeaway was collecting?"

"I know Crystal, it is like a story out of CSI. I think we need to go to the clerk of Huckleberry Land. Her name is Fishandgamediva, maybe she can help us."

NEXT: Thephoneman never testifies and Fishandgamediva threatens Braveheart and Crystal with the SWAT team.

Wiretapping Class 126

"Braveheart, look just what came over our fax! It is the educational wiretapping instructions. It says right here not to,"intrude improperly into the private lives of the citizens that we are here to protect" on page 2. That is what Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo is learning. Sheriff Iliketobeatemtoo has told Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo that it is not department policy to monitor private telephone conversations. So I guess I have nothing to worry about. You do know that the Deputy and Neanderthalman are like brothers!"

"Crystal, we must still be cautious. I noticed Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo and his patrol car parked outside our house yesterday. He wasn't trying to catch speeders."

"My god, you need to read this. The deputy was making tape recordings and one was about a murder plot and they put it on the radio! The deputy's wife, Ilovemydoggies recorded someone who wants to "blow her away." Neanderthalman knew that and told me. He wanted me to spread the word! That is how Thegoodneighbors found out 'they' were listening to them. I asked them if they were going to "blow away" Ilovemydoggies! Call my head of hair lifeless, again!"

"They sure like to use that "blow away" term. Must be special code."

"Well, I am concerned. Why would anyone want to plot the death of Ilovemydoggies?"

Next: Testimony by Thephoneman

Crystal finds electronic devices in her hot tub

"My God, Braveheart, look what I found! It was scratching my behind when I was relaxing in our hot tub with my glass of cabernet! It looks like a rock but I am not sure. What is it?"

"Crystal, someone has bugged our hot tub. We need to destroy this camera that looks like a rock so they don't get anymore pictures of your butt."

"Well, I am wondering if it has anything to do with that educational wiretapping class that the Cave Monkey Clan is offering being taught by Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo? I hear Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo goes to clandestine local nazitupperware meetings hosted by Mr.Igottabuginyourphone. Those guys are native to this area and have perfected bugging the rear view mirrors of bicyclists! They are notorious! "

"Who knows Crystal, but one thing is for sure, I am going to get to the bottom of this. There is no need to take pictures of my wife's tush! That is not educational!"

Next: Crystal finds the educational transcripts to the wiretapping classes.