The Truth Serum Does Not Work - Made in China

UPDATE

Iputmywifeawaytoo was subjected to extensive testing. Unfortunately, based on the fact that the truth serum was made in China, Iputmywifeawaytoo has escaped prosecution. He has now been promoted to Keeperofcellphonetowers and works very closely with MKUltra personnel. He now specializes in mind control and is under the direction of local county commissioners who interrogate him on a bi-monthly schedule. The truth serum from China needs to be monitored to make sure his brain plasticity has not been compromised. The local county commissioners, are not really sure, and also feel he might be wearing too many clothes made in China.

Rather Dandy has let the Thephoneman story go - unless further evidence materializes. However, he received a tip from a gilted lover of a former county employee that secret meetings are being held by city government officials in a nearby county of Huckleberry Land called Cootie -that development of lands are now under construction in order to bring a lifestyle comparable to the Phillipines, so he still has a job. Citizens of Cootie County are prepared to work extra hard to pay for the lights, billboards, and the future outsourcing of motivated streetwalkers because they have no choice.

Currently, some folks are busy trying to get the Supreme Huckleberry Poo Bas to examine the law of "intentional ignorance" to see if it will hold up in court. It does. It is a very vague situation according to the leader of Cootiesville, Smellslikeroses, but she assures the future of Cootie people that vagueness allows for flexible return. Rumor has it that she does a great backbend!

In the meantime, Cootie citizens research their options and find they have none. They are stuck with cooties.

Next: Rather Dandy explains how the city of Cootiesville is prepared to hire a firm that will be able to douse Cootie County with special convincing. Crystal is designing a special telephone survey so she can perfect her phone voice.

The Classified Gossip Prints the Story!

"Braveheart - you are not going to believe what is in the Classified Gossip this morning! It's the inside story about Thephoneman! Evidently, some reporter by the name of Rather Dandy has been sleuthing around and he says that the possibility of a conspiracy exists!"

Thephoneman Most Likely Murdered and Not Accidental.

News Story and Photo by: Rather Dandy

The unsolved alleged accidental dealth of Thephoneman is the current cold case by this writer. Gossip has filtered throughout the community that Thephoneman was really shot in the back. As an investigative reporter, I have decided to examine the reports. My findings are disturbing because so much is NOT there and the connections spell TREE GANG MAFIA! Here are my bulleted concerns. (Emphasis on the bullet.)

The Facts

• Sherriff Iliketobeat'em too was not available for comment. He has left the country. Last seen at the other end of Huckleberry Land all beat up.
• Thephoneman's mother never saw her son after his alleged accidental death.
• The coroner hastily cremated Thephoneman without permission before any exam was done to confirm exposure after he was finally found after days of searching by Deputy Iputmywifewaytoo. Rumors flourish that wild animals chewed him up. Other rumors flourish that Ilovemydoggies unleashed her own dogs on him.
• No bullet was found.
• The coroner and local funeral director is good buddies with Sherrif Iliketobeat'em too. Other gossip reigns that they are in cohoots smuggling drugs in the padding of his caskets!
• The records regarding the search and rescue of Thephoneman are gone. Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo was promoted AND escaped prosecution of illegal wiretapping because Thephoneman died before he could testify.
• Thephoneman spoke to Crystal and told her to be careful. Why? Neanderthalman told Crystal about the alleged plot to kill lluvmydoggies SO Neaderthalman was also involved in the wiretapping.

According to my Reporter's Investigative Conspiracy Handbook: A conspiracy is an agreement between two or more persons to commit a crime or accomplish a legal purpose through illegal action. So far the lack of evidence supports my findings - but I need more. That is why the reward.

NEXT: Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo who has been promoted to the Emergent Director of the Classified Gossip is given truth serum. (he wants the reward!)

The Plot Thickens and Crystal Gets a Clue

OH, MY GOD! I know what happened! Judge Snow Queen got caught! She was also wiretapped by Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo! He has the goods! She violated the Judicial Code of Conduct and now she is a slave at the bench. That is DISTORTION! Not a wonder Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo has been promoted to the Emergent Director of Classifed Gossip! He still has the evidence. If he goes down - everyone goes with him!

Well, I bet that Judge Snow Queen really let her hair down when she was voo doo dancing at the Kon Tiki and juicing it up. Those ivory bones must have got to her! I do know that Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo has special privileges with the judges and he calls them up in order to control their thought processess. He has been trained in special tactics and works with mind control experts. Now that he controls the Classified Gossip and it is his call to release the smut; he is now charged with the safety of the community and the burden is squarely on his shoulders. It is his job to protect the gossip now.

Too bad Thephoneman fell off the cliff. Do you think he was pushed? I can hardly wait untill I publish my book!

NEXT: The Classified Gossip gets the real story from an insider.

Dear Supreme Huckleberry Poo Bas

Recently Braveheart and myself happened to stumble onto some rather upsetting knowledge that Judge Snow Queen was dabbling in some underhanded and deceitful episodes with the Monkey Cave Clan, The Police Gang Unit, as well as the Tree Mafia Gang. This includes bribery, wiretapping, and coverups beyond anything Woolrich could ever deal with. It is a conspiracy beyond your wildest dreams and puts the CIA rumor associated with the World Trade Center to shame. We realize that your hands may be tied because you too might also be related to some of these folks; but we also know that your integrity and the honor of your job is first and you would not consider taking a pay off. The Supreme Huckleberry Poo Bas are our last resort and if you cannot be of any assistance, we will have to take matters into our own hands and this will not be pretty.

Please consider us seriously. In order to stop this insane behavior we must identify the insanity and that insanity rests with the decision making of Judge Snow Queen who is obviously off her rocker. It is time to tie her down and get her back on it! We may have to petition the people to put her away 'lest she will continue to shreek away at the bench and take more ivory bones in lieu of sanity. We also hear that she collects cows and says, "Moo" in her sleep. This is very bizarre and reflects on her tasteless choices which also includes removing a wall in her living room with a chain saw. We also understand that she has a bit part in the movie the Wolf People which is being filmed in North Huckleberry Land and we just don't understand what she has against wolves? However, it probably has something to do with her cow collection.

If you do not answer and continue to put me in your files and voicemail box, I will consider this your inability to remedy the situation and get Judge Snow Queen back on her rocker! Thusly, I will proceed with my plans of which I told you - will not be pretty! We have also come into possession of 'off her rocker records' that will confirm that Judge Snow Queen is severely into ivory bones accompanied by incessant gnawing. Gladys Kravits found those records in the neighbor's garbage and has distributed them all over the neighborhood so folks already know this as fact. We also believe they are authentic because Gladys Kravits knows everything and her word is well repected hearsay (gossip) among the community and is a main source of information for the Police Gang Unit along with the illegal wiretapping.

Committed in our quest for appropriate treatment concerning Off Their Rocker Cases. We are also conferring with OTRC for expert advice concerning this matter.

Crystal Clear and Braveheart

P.S. I have bolded very important names for emphasis in case you cannot see.

The Reply

Dear Crystal and Braveheart,

Right now we do not accept cases that originate in Huckleberry Land due to the lack of money provided to us by the Hounds of Huckleberry (that is really an excuse, but we just don't like to do business there and we fear for our lives.) We feel for your unfortunate circumstances and would like to refer you to the Huckleberry Volunteers Corruption Squad. We will throw several names in a hat and draw one out and send you this contact for future reference. Be prepared to pay $35.00 for the initial half hour interview. There is also St. Huckleberries. They will listen to your mess for free, but unless you can prove you are pretty much homeless, forget it. But, don't rule that out, consider becoming homeless. Lastly, we have the Court Corruption Advocate Program. This is sponsored by the Supreme Huckleberry Poo Bas. However, they really cannot do much, so don't expect much. They just basically fill up space.

You might volunteer as a guinea pig for a plastic surgeon intern. You might also consider writing Oprah -- everyone writes Oprah or move to the middle of Nebraska. Nobody will find you there. Folks do not even know there is a middle to Nebraska.

You might also consider representing yourself in the corrupt area of Huckleberry Land. The Huckleberry Land Council distributes free pamphlets on how to get your ass kicked in court by yourself! However, don't piss the judge off, because we hear they are into handcuffs. Look on the positive side, if you are thrown into jail, you will get a corrupt public defender to represent you! Other than that, you are pretty much SOL and in order to attain justice you will need 10,000 ivory bones and like sums for future vindication.

Good luck in your quest for justice; we hope you find some.

Sincerely,

The Department of Smelly Cases

Next: Crystal complains to the Supreme Huckleberry Poo Bas

The Letter

Dear Department of Smelly Cases:

We do not know what to do. We have done it all and still we cannot get due process! It is very frustrating because we believe in America and we know that not all judges are bought with ivory bones. But what should we do? Please advise us because we know that you would not want an illegal moose on your wall and this educational wiretapping has crossed the line! Please write back to us quickly! Do we qualify for a witness protection program somewhere in Iceland? The kangaroos have gotton out of hand and we fear for our life. Maybe Australia?

Thank-you.

Braveheart and Crystal

Next: The reply

Fishandgamediva saves the moose

"Fishandgamediva, we would like to see case number 12blost. We believe it will help us in our search to prove that the missing hunter was not trampled by an Alaskan Bull Moose. After all, this is Huckleberry Land and it is a rare sighting to see these creatures, let alone have them attack and eat hunters!"

"Crystal and Braveheart, I cannot honor your request. That case is sealed and it is not in the public's best interest to find out that the judge protected an illegal moose without a license. After all it is highly sensitive and we would not want to implicate that the local officials are helping to protect this animal. After all it is a special moose and it would be unfortunate if it were taken off the wall. If you do not cease and disist, I will call the SWAT team. After all, I am Fishandgamediva! Go now."

"Braveheart, this is just awful. I am shocked that a respectable member of Huckleberry Land would not want to help us quell our suspicians by cooperating."

"Crystal, - we are screwed. Let's go get a mooseburger."

Next: Crystal and Braveheart decide to write a letter to the Department of Smelly Cases.

A hunting we will go

"Braveheart, I just saw on the news where there is a missing hunter in these here parts of Huckleberry Land and it just happens to be Thephoneman! They have been searching for THREE days and still cannot find him. Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo has headed up the search party to find him, along with his wife, Ilovemydoggies. She has a pack of trained search dogs! However, there might be a problem. Evidently, Thegoodneigbors are taking Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo to court over the educational wiretapping and the alledged murder plot of Ilovemydoggies, his beloved wife. Thephoneman just happens to be a witness!"

"Well Crystal - we need to put our faith in the authorities. I am sure Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo and Ilovemydoggies would want to find Thephoneman. It is not their job to cover up evidence, that is obstruction of justice. After all, what could Thephoneman know that might be damaging evidence in this court case that Thegoodneighbors are initiating?"

"Well, I think it stinks Braveheart. You and I both know that Neanderthalman also knew about the death plot of Ilovemydoggiestoo. Why would he have knowledge of these private educational phone conversations that Deputy Iputmywifeaway was collecting?"

"I know Crystal, it is like a story out of CSI. I think we need to go to the clerk of Huckleberry Land. Her name is Fishandgamediva, maybe she can help us."

NEXT: Thephoneman never testifies and Fishandgamediva threatens Braveheart and Crystal with the SWAT team.

Wiretapping Class 126

"Braveheart, look just what came over our fax! It is the educational wiretapping instructions. It says right here not to,"intrude improperly into the private lives of the citizens that we are here to protect" on page 2. That is what Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo is learning. Sheriff Iliketobeatemtoo has told Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo that it is not department policy to monitor private telephone conversations. So I guess I have nothing to worry about. You do know that the Deputy and Neanderthalman are like brothers!"

"Crystal, we must still be cautious. I noticed Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo and his patrol car parked outside our house yesterday. He wasn't trying to catch speeders."

"My god, you need to read this. The deputy was making tape recordings and one was about a murder plot and they put it on the radio! The deputy's wife, Ilovemydoggies recorded someone who wants to "blow her away." Neanderthalman knew that and told me. He wanted me to spread the word! That is how Thegoodneighbors found out 'they' were listening to them. I asked them if they were going to "blow away" Ilovemydoggies! Call my head of hair lifeless, again!"

"They sure like to use that "blow away" term. Must be special code."

"Well, I am concerned. Why would anyone want to plot the death of Ilovemydoggies?"

Next: Testimony by Thephoneman

Crystal finds electronic devices in her hot tub

"My God, Braveheart, look what I found! It was scratching my behind when I was relaxing in our hot tub with my glass of cabernet! It looks like a rock but I am not sure. What is it?"

"Crystal, someone has bugged our hot tub. We need to destroy this camera that looks like a rock so they don't get anymore pictures of your butt."

"Well, I am wondering if it has anything to do with that educational wiretapping class that the Cave Monkey Clan is offering being taught by Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo? I hear Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo goes to clandestine local nazitupperware meetings hosted by Mr.Igottabuginyourphone. Those guys are native to this area and have perfected bugging the rear view mirrors of bicyclists! They are notorious! "

"Who knows Crystal, but one thing is for sure, I am going to get to the bottom of this. There is no need to take pictures of my wife's tush! That is not educational!"

Next: Crystal finds the educational transcripts to the wiretapping classes.

Braveheart - a Man Against the Kangaroos

Crystal runs, and she runs, and she runs. She is running for her life and then in her moment of fleet, she trips over her Nike shoe laces. She hits her head on the sidewalk and lands on her ass, on top of the most gorgeous piece of mankind that God could ever grant her.

"Oh my God! What are you doing on top of me? What happened? This is all a dream! I remember running from a field of kangaroos and then suddenly here I am with you and well frankly sir, I am confused. Did you use a condom?"

"Not to worry, Crystal, my lovely! I am Braveheart and I am here to kill the kangaroos! Those beastly shits have pissed me off! I will take you off into the sunset after I have done my duty on them and we will be forever happy. Oh yes, my dear -- I used the condom. But, after we are married, never will it be again! However, Judge Snow Queen needs to be more careful. "(SNICKER SNICKER -- and it is not a candy bar)

Next: Braveheart and Crystal are married and become undercover hot tub agents.

Ten Thousand Ivory Bones Buys the Case!

Judge Snow Queen retires to her chambers while she meets with Mr. Iamcorrupt. Mr. Iamcorrupt opens up his satchel and displays ten thousand ivory bones.

"These could be yours, Judge Snow Queen. Of course this is all off the record and consider this a gift. There is no paper trail to these ivory bones so there would be no possibility of anyone accusing you of accepting these for any favors, so to speak."

Mr. Iamcorrupt winks, then winks again.

"Are you sure, Mr. Iamcorrupt? If that is the case I can afford to make an erroneous decision and there will be no proof that I lack judgement! Okay, but of course this meeting never happened. Leave the bones here, so I can chew on them."

Judge Snow Queen calls the court to order.

"I hereby commit Crystal to the Cukoos Nest in Forest Grove because I have conferred with Dr. Quackgrass unbeknowest to her, and he says she is not capable of growing hair and will never be able to grow hair. Her prognosis is not fit for Neanderthalman, who has many ivory bones and who desires the cook at the Coffee Cave. Neanderthalman says he will sue Dr. Quackgrass for improper conduct since Crystal has gone to him many times and never grows hair. He can prove that Dr. Quackgrass is having an affair with Crystal and he is tired of paying for it! Also, while we are at it, I grant Neanderthalman a divorce unless Crystal can provide adequate testimony that she can grow hair! And, even if she does we all know that I have the ivory bones so in that case, Neanderthalman, you get everything! Crystal will have a roof over her head at Forest Grove and the taxpayers can pay for it!

Judge Snow Queen shrieks, "The bones are mine!"

Crystal turns white then runs out of the courtroom.

Next: Crystal barrels into Braveheart

Judge Snow Queen has a restless habit

Crystal was shaking in her hand-crafted leather moccasins. She knew she had to face the music today at the hearing. Mr. Iamcorrupt was going to establish cause to put her away. Crystal was also beside herself because she could not figure out why Neanderthalman was so mad at her. She had talked with Dr. Quackgrass about this problem, but his only solution was to up the dosage on her sugar pills because her hair was not responding well. She confided in Betty and while Betty was a comfortable resource she also advised Crystal to keep her appointments with Dr. Quackgrass and to take her sugar pills. Crystal had very few hairs left on her head.

Neanderthalman just got worse ever since she had listened to the Police Gang Unit and went to Dr. Quackgrass. He continued to call her names and drag her across the floor then humiliate her because her hair fell out.

"I have had enough Crystal, your hair is still lifeless and dull, I can't put anymore money into you. I am going to Mr. Iamcorrupt and I am going to have to put you away. You are not taking your sugar pills, obviously or your hair would stand up to my drags. You are history Crystal. It is time for you to take a nice long vacation. If your hair grows while you are there, we will talk about getting back together again."

Crystal scared out of mind, fled to find herself a lawyer who would help. She had heard about the Cukoos Nest where they fry your brain with hotsticks to make hair grow. But there were no lawyers for Crystal. Since Neanderthalman was part of the Tree Mafia Gang and the Monkey Cave Clan, she was fodder for the hunt and she felt hunted.

"Crystal. Are you taking your sugar pills?"

"Oh, yes Mr. Iamcorrupt, everyday religiously."

"Then why is your hair dull and lifeless?"

"I don't know, probably because bad hair does not run in my family and the pills are not working?"

"You are hostile, Crystal. You are not cooperating. You are lying and we need to put you away to monitor your medication and your pills. Judge Snow Queen, I recommend that you order Crystal to the Cukoos Nest in Forest Grove for an undetermined time until we can establish her hair growth."

Judge Snow Queen draped in her bull-hide robe fidgets restlessly at the bench sniffing her fingers and states, "I need the testimony of Dr. Quackgrass before I make my decision -- but let's take a break now."

Next: Judge Snow Queen and Mr.Iamcorrupt go behind closed doors to make the deal.

Neanderthalman hooks up with Mr. Iamcorrupt

It was a chilly morning and the frost painted the air as Neanderthalman hopped on his fat 'ole steed and rode into town for his morning coffee with Betty.

"Gad, Betty! I hate to do this but I see no other way around it! Ever since you told me about Crystal's affair with Dr. Quackgrass, I had to call my good friend from the Tree Mafia Gang and get a lawyer so I can put her away. I have enlisted the services of Mr. Iamcorrupt. I can only assume that her bad hair condition is the reason for her behavior. But, that doesn't mean I have to put up with it! After all, I am paying Dr. Quackgrass for his services! It is his job to fix her!"

"Neanderthalman, I know you are crushed! But, after it is all over we, I mean you, will be better off for it and Crystal will get the help she needs in Forest Grove. While she is there at the Cukoo's Nest you will be able to secure your empire so she does not run off with Dr. Quackgrass and take everything from you!"

"I know it is all a pity. I am sure Dr. Quackgrass will cooperate. After all he has breached the patient/professional relationship and he will help me put her away, now. He is in serious trouble!"

"Exactly, Neanderthalman!" Betty's eyes twinkle in delight dreaming of her brand new lean-to made out of oak!

Next: Crystal fights the battle against Mr. Iamcorrupt.

Betty shops on Crystal's dime

"Crystal, I am so happy we could get together and go spend your husband's money, oops, I mean shop together today and get to know each other. Too bad about your frightful hair disorder. Do you want to shop for wigs?"

"Oh no. That's fine. I am taking my sugar pills and I suspect that my hair disorder will clear up soon. My hat works fine and besides, Frankncut, my hairdresser sold me a couple of tubes of shoe polish to cover up the bald spots."

"Neanderthalman had breakfast at the Coffee Cave the other day when I was cooking. He said that you needed to enjoy yourself and shop more. Shopping and spending money is good for you! It will take your mind off of that frightful hair disorder. You should buy this beautiful fur coat! After all, Neanderthalman is a successful man and he has built you a lean-to of willow branches! There are so many women with nice hair like myself, that would want your lean-to. You need to buy this coat so the clan members will look at the fur and not your hair!"

"That is a good idea, Betty! No need to draw attention to my hair condition. After all, Neanderthalman says it is my fault and I must remedy the situation. Next week I go back to Dr. Quackgrass so he can evaluate my hair progress."

"I am sure it will be much better, just as long as you keep using the shoe polish and take your sugar pills. You sleep in tomorrow Crystal, and grow some hair. I am cooking again at the Coffee Cave. I am so happy to be your friend!"

Crystal and Betty buy the coat and have lunch. Betty decides to cook Neanderthalman extra big ostrich eggs for his breakfast tomorrow and plans on letting him know that Crystal spends way too much money and is having an affair with Dr. Quackgrass!

Next: Neanderthalman is livid and seeks legal counsel to send Crystal to the Cukoo's Nest in Forest Grove.

Conspiracies always get bigger over coffee

Every morning the Cave Monkey Clan would meet at the Cave Hut. Neanderthalman was one of the regulars. He looked forward to his thick cup of caffiene! After all, he needed a 'perk me up' after his very kegful night! He also looked forward to Betty and her long wonderful hair who would serve Neanderthalman his coffee and cook his ostrich eggs! Betty had the hair he dreamed that Crystal would grow.

Betty also owned the Cave Hut where she served all of Neanderthalman's good buddies!

"Betty, I am afraid that Crystal had to go see Dr. Quackgrass over her frightful bad hair. Dr. Quackgrass has given her many prescriptions for this very serious disorder and she will have to go see him on a regular basis, so he can monitor her hair. I talked with Dr. Quackgrass over golf last week and he is very concerned."

"Oh, so am I, Neanderthalman! That is too bad about Crystal. I should go visit her. We could become friends and have scrapbook party luncheons! She is so lucky to have you, Neanderthalman! She has a lean-to made of willow branches!"

"That would be good if you became friends with Crystal. It is sad that her hair falls out, but that is not my fault. It is that terrible bad hair disorder. I hope it doesn't become so bad that I have to send her to the Cukoo's Nest in Forest Grove! I am afraid that her bad hair runs in the family and like her mother she will end up there!"

"Don't worry, Neanderthalman. I will become friends with Crystal so we can keep an eye on her and make sure she takes her sugar pills! I will go get your eggs, now." Betty whispers in Neanderthalman's ear as her long hair brushes against his face,"I am so glad you came in early so we could talk before the crowd gets here!"

The rest of the clan drag themselves into the Coffee Cave for the eye opener and of course a good look at Betty's hair. The early morning topic was the dinosaur hunt and the possibility that Neanderthalman might have to send Crystal to the Cukoo's Nest in Forest Grove.

Next: Betty and Crystal go shopping!

Frankncut catches the shorthairs

"Crystal, your hair has patchy bald spots! But don't worry, I will cut it anyway! After all, Neanderthalman is paying for it!"

"Oh, thank you Frankncut! I don't know what I would do if I could not get my hair done!"

"Well, I will fix you right up! We will just use a little of this shoe polish to cover up those spots! No problemo here for the Master Frankncut! So, are you taking your sugar pills? I heard at the local Coffee Cave this morning that Neanderthalman said you have a frightfull bad hair condition and Dr. Quackgrass is working with him to cover it up -- oops I mean fix it! So, make sure you take your medication, Crystal! Look in the mirror, see how that shoe polish works!"

"Oh, it does work! How much is it? I need three or four of those tubes!"

"I will throw one in for free, since you are such a good customer. One hundred and fifty bucks should do it for the cut and products! See you in a week or two, gotta keep those short hairs off!"


Next: The Coffee Cave

Cave Man Monkey Resort

Conspiracies always start at golf courses. Just a nod before the knee knocker signifies the colluding.

"Doctor Quackgrass, I am so glad that we are able to get together over this beautiful day of golf so we could discuss my wife's disorder of bad hair. It is a frightful condition I am afraid. Her hair does not hold up to a good drag, thus it falls out in my hands and ruins my day. I expect her to take care of it because we know that it is the woman's duty to satisfy Neanderthalmen and after all, I offer her a lean-to of willow branches. I am a Neaderthalman of many assets! I also belong to the very respected Tree Mafia Gang and I have a brother in the Police Gang Unit! I am also well connected with the Cave Monkey Clan. She may be like her mother, and if she does not grow hair, I fear she may end up at the Cukoo's Nest in Forest Grove. After all, it is not my fault her hair falls out."

"I understand Neanderthalman. I will document your concerns in her chart and we will make sure Crystal takes her sugar pills. I was also married to a woman with bad hair. I will work in your best interests, I mean your wife's best interests. Also, thanks for the use of your condo this weekend, I needed the break."

Dr. Quackgrass nods as he makes par on his knee knocker.

Next: Crystal makes an appointment with her hairdresser

Dr. Quackgrass gives Crystal sugar pills

"Dr. Quackgrass, I am so delighted to meet you! The Police Gang Unit referred me to you and I am so optomistic that you will be able to help me. I have tried everyone, even Father Farfromnothing. He just tells me to grow some hair."

"Crystal be quiet and let's begin. What is your problem?"

"Neanderthalman always belittles me and humiliates me because I have bad hair days. He says it is my fault that my hair is lifeless, thin, and stringy. He says it has no body and is not holding up to a good drag! He also threatens me with the Tree Gang Mafia! He says if I don't grow hair he will send me to the Cukoo's Nest in Forest Grove like they did my mother."

"Crystal, that is a very serious problem. Bad hair runs in families and is a very serious disorder. I have the pills for you that will help you grow hair. I will consult with Neanderthalman since he is paying for my services and I will draft a family profile in order to establish bad hair links for future reference."

"Doctor Quackgrass that sounds good. But what if bad hair does not run in my family and what if the sugar pills don't work? That does not make any sense because my mother had beautiful hair! But, I will do anything because Neanderthalman will leave me if I don't grow stronger hair! He will find someone else to live in our lean-to of willow branches!"

"I know you are desparate, Crystal. Just take the pills and make another appointment for next month. Do you have insurance? If not, you need Neanderthalman to send me a check for my services. See you in a month, Crystal. Now go grow some hair."

Next: Dr.Quackgrass and Neanderthalman catch 9 holes of golf at the Cave Man Monkey Resort.

Crystal gets Neanderthalman his keg of beer

"Oh God, I have to go back to Neanderthalman. That is what the Police Gang Unit says I must do. So be it!"

Crystal goes back to the lean-to that Neanderthalman constructed from willow branches.

"Neanderthalman, I reported you to the Police Gang Unit! Deputy Iputmywifeawaytoo and Sheriff Iliketobeat'emtoo says I need to go see Dr. Quackgrass so I can grow hair for you! They will only help me if I become bald."

"Yes, Crystal that is what you must do. But first you need to get that keg of beer and bring it to me now! Don't make me drag you over there to do it! You have terrible hair! Woman, Ugh. Ugh, Woman."

Next: Crystal meets Dr. Quackgrass